catching up: burgers, slip dresses, and grief?

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catching up: burgers, slip dresses, and grief?

mood this week: reflective

vibing to: arise by lynda dawn**

cooking up: burgers [ lentil + zucchini bacon burger // chickpea egg + zucchini bacon breakfast sandwich]

what I’m wearing: fall slip dresses + turtlenecks

what’s on my mind: catching up

If you’ve been following me for a while now, you know I’ve been on a hiatus. If you’re a true fan of mine, you probably have some inkling that something tragic happened in my life. Seven months ago, my boyfriend was taken from me and my world turned upside down.

Before his tragic death, I had been struggling to stay afloat. Some of my life decisions had left me in a dark space and I was looking for ways to uproot myself and find some sort of joy. Thurman, my boyfriend, encouraged me to relaunch my blog. For awhile it gave me peace, however, after he was taken from me I went from gray to black and the blog just didn’t seem like something I wanted to do anymore.

From my social media you probably couldn’t tell how sad I was, however, there were days I would just sit in the bed numb unable to feel, think, or move. Everything seemed difficult.  Some days, I would just sit and stare at the ceiling. I couldn’t help but wonder why this was happening to me? to us? to him? Of all the people in the world, it had to be us.

I ran through scenarios in my head daily on how I could have done something to avoid this tragedy.

“If I just would have done (insert something here) he would still be here.”

I wanted it all to be a bad dream. I needed to talk to him and I needed him to FaceTime me to tell me everything would be alright. And while I knew nothing would bring him back, I needed him to come back to me so I worked to increase my spiritual vibrations. If I couldn’t speak to him in human form, maybe I could speak with him in spirit. I needed to feel his presence again. I even went to see a psychic and divination counselor, hoping they could make him visit me.

My boyfriend Thurman and I on a date at Hollywood Park in a photobooth.

Some days, I found things to distract me. I partied hard surrounding myself with people, but then it got to the point where I would get drunk and go to the nightclub where he was murdered and cry. It became a constant loop in my life and I was spiraling, but from my social media you would never know the half of it. I only showed everyone one side of me. Many times, I told people that I was okay when I wasn’t. I didn’t want the awkwardness of the situation. Most people don’t know how to handle grief and when people do know you’re grieving, they treat you differently.

Grief fucking sucks! The shit is AWWWWFFULLL.

It hurts mentally and physically and it will drain you. The anxiety that I developed from the tragedy was crippling. I was fighting a constant battle of being worried about my finances since I couldn’t bring myself to go to work, I was worried about my parents, worried about my boyfriend’s parents, friends, and family, worried about my cat, and worried about life overall. Where would I go from here? All I knew was worry and those worries consumed me. The worst part of it all, is that most people I know haven’t lost their significant other and it was tough to open up and talk to them about it.

 

So many of them tried to tell me what I should and shouldn’t do, they wanted to tell me how I should and shouldn’t feel, or my favorite, they liked to tell me how long I should grieve for. I am not going to lie, just writing that makes me angry.

Who are you to judge me on my grieving process?

Others told me to move on. They explained to me that I shouldn’t heavily grieve because he was JUST my boyfriend. It just didn’t make sense. I can’t imagine that someone wouldn’t grieve the same way if their best friend was taken from them. My boyfriend, Thurman, was (and in spirit, still is) my best friend. We shared so much with each other and we allowed each other to explore the greatest depths of ourselves. We opened up to each other in ways that no one else knew us. How could I not grieve a relationship that deep?

(Some of y’all in the back may not know that kind of love from any of your relationships… I get it. It’s not your fault.)

My boyfriend Thurman and I on a date at Hollywood Park in a photobooth.

And let me just say this before someone comes to comment on here with some BS – YES, I DID HAVE A HOTGIRL SUMMER.

Judge ya mama!

That’s the trickiest part about grieving when you’re the girlfriend. You have some people that believe you should stay in the house grieving and unhappy.

Then you have others that want you to move on with your life, find someone new, get over your significant other like nothing ever happened. There is no balance between the two and neither of them give you room to navigate in this new space. This is partially why I kept everything bottled up, I feared that people would judge me.

It seemed as if people didn’t understand that you can love someone deeply, you can grieve, you can be sad and miss them, and still try to move on with your life and enjoy yourself. There is room for both.

You can also date, you can find love, and it still won’t change your love for the one that has passed away. There is room for someone to love someone that has passed over into a different dimension deeply and to love someone else at the same damn time. It doesn’t have to be a choice between the two people that they love.  There is room for someone to carry the both of them in their heart.

My boyfriend Thurman and I on a date at Hollywood Park in a photobooth.

And for those of you that may be wondering, that doesn’t mean that they are making their new partner compete with the deceased nor does it mean that they have completely moved on.

It simply means that they are working towards moving forward in their life still living the life that they have because they now know just how easily life can be stripped from them. They are working to enjoy their life for themselves and their loved one that has passed on as well. And I strongly believe that my boyfriend, Thurman, would want me to be happy living my life, still enjoying the things that we loved to do.

If you’re wondering, am I still grieving? I am.

My healing process can’t fully start until after the trial is over. Right now with each new development in the case, I relive that day in my head and I start my spiraling process again.

I am currently in therapy and I seek out help when I need it. I also focus on eating nourishing things for my body since it’s under a lot of stress (peep the recipes), meditate, and try to get a least 30 minutes of movement a day to release all of the built-up energy.

Now that I’m coming into a better space, I hope to use this blog to help me heal and possibly help others in the process.

My boyfriend Thurman and I on a date at Hollywood Park in a photobooth.

 

For those of you that have been where I am, or have lost a someone near and dear to you please give yourself grace. Remember that we all grieve differently. Acknowledge that your process will be your own. Take care of yourself. Eat nourishing foods, drink plenty of water, workout, pray, go for long walks, spend time with loved ones, take up a new hobby, and/or try therapy (and that doesn’t necessarily mean talk therapy, there are other kinds of therapy).

Allow yourself to feel all of your emotions and know that some days will be harder than others. It may take time for you to feel like yourself again and that’s okay. When emotions come up, sit with them. Don’t be too hard on yourself to overcome. If all you want to do is sleep one day. SLEEP. It’s a tough time. Trust your process and always above all give yourself plenty of grace. It will get easier with time, but you will forever have your days.

_____

** More about Arise, by Lynda Dawn

Hailing from the UK, Lynda Dawn released her debut EP, At First Light, September 2019. She is a vocalist, producer, and songwriter who enjoys exploring boogie, soul, funk, jazz, as well as Afrobeat and highlife. 

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